Get to Know Me: Deep Edition.

Thursday, 22 June 2017

I've gone through a few major things in my life as of late and I'm back on my journey of finding myself and my purpose in life. I've done a lot of deep thinking and found this quiz as I was blog hopping so in turn have put some of my deep thoughts in to this post. I guess I'm letting you in to my soul as such and allowing you all to have a nosey. 

1. What’s your philosophy in life?
I try to live my life by the serenity prayer. I'll quote it. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." 

2. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself?
How insecure I can be and my inability to accept a compliment. I flit in-between being comfortable in myself to hating every inch and wishing I could afford plastic surgery to change everything. I was bullied really badly in primary school all the way up until year 9 in seniors and I was mentally abused by two of my ex boyfriends. I've had it drummed in to me most of my life that I'm fat, ugly, and worthless. One of the ladies I work with said to me on Saturday "you're a bonny lass" and I genuinely thought she was taking the mick, I laughed when she said it. I guess it upsets me sometimes 'cause I truly believe people are messing with me, being sarcastic, or they've been set up to say it and I'm the punchline to their joke. It's awful. I don't believe anyone would genuinely compliment me and mean it, I'm so below average.

3. Are you religious or spiritual?
Not religious at all but definitely spiritual. I've grown up a lot in the last few years and view the world so differently now. I have so much love and appreciation for this planet, nature is a truly wonderful and amazing thing. I now appreciate where I live and realise how lucky I am to live so close to the seaside. I'm still learning to love myself, but I've come a long way from where I used to be despite the answer to the previous question. I've learned that if I don't love myself I can't expect anyone else to do so. I've stopped giving people the power to hurt me and I no longer allow insignificant things to upset me. I've learned to let kindness guide me in the things I do and understand that everything comes back around, so to receive positive vibes and good karma it must radiate from you. I try not to retaliate to negative people and I don't let them drag me down, I rise above it. I've learned to cut out all toxic people from my life whether they be friends or family, toxic people aren't beneficial to my life and I won't entertain them. I can't be bothered with people who think they're a victim to life and that their negative experiences give them an excuse to be a bad person. We all create our own destiny and every bad experience is a life lesson. Get up, dust yourself off, and move on making the most of life.

4. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?
I don't fit completely in to either, I'm a bit of both. An ambivert if you will. 

5. Which parent are you closer to and why?
I'm closer to my mum and I think it's for the simple fact that when my parents got divorced I was only 7 so my mum brought me with her. We've been through a lot and I admire how strong she is to have overcome all the obstacles she's had thrown at her. She's still fighting every day, but I'm there for her always.

6. What was the best phase in your life?
Definitely childhood. I miss the innocence and naivety to everything. I miss my biggest concern being which barbie doll to play with or which side of the road to stand on to play curby, and not what the hell am I doing with my life.

7. What was the worst phase in your life?
My worst phase was probably my teenage years from 13 all the way up to 17. I had a lot of really bad experiences, some far too deep and traumatic to be sharing on a blog. I got cheated on a lot in my teenage relationships and was mentally abused in others. One of the worst was when my first serious relationship ended and it's more so the circumstances than anything. I was 17 at the time and I spent a week sitting in a chair in the garden smoking and drinking myself oblivious. He made me feel so so worthless and yet I clung to him and told myself he'd change, he never did. It's all helped me to become a strong and independent person and I've learned I can survive on my own. I got hurt too much and I think that's because I loved too freely and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I've learned from it now and as a result I revolve my world around myself and close myself off. I know that sounds selfish but it is what it is.

8. Is what you’re doing now what you always wanted to do growing up?
Not even close! When I was younger I always said I was going to be a paramedic. There's no way I could do that job it's just too much. I couldn't cope being responsible for someone's life.

9. What makes you feel accomplished?
When I finish a task I've completed. I'm a major procrastinator and I'm so easily distracted, it's the reason I didn't stick uni out. I'm hoping this time will be different.

10. What’s your favorite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much?
Favourite movie is Pulp Fiction, it's never spoken to me I just enjoy it. Favourite book turned film is Girl Interrupted. It's quite dark, it's about women in a hospital for mental health problems. I was in a dark place when I was 15-16 I was very self destructive, I found it then. I guess knowing it was based on a true story and that other people felt that way too helped me through it. I'm worlds away from feeling like that now, I've not read it or watched it since then either.

11. What is a relationship deal breaker for you?
I'm very independent so being needy and clingy with me is a no go. I just can't take it, I like my space. Laziness is also another one. Don't get me wrong, I get everyone has days where they wanna wear lounge clothes and do nothing and that's fine, just not all the time man. Honestly other than that I'm pretty easy going and have no qualms. 

12. Are you more into looks or brains?
I'm not gonna lie, both. I don't fancy someone based on their intelligence alone. Brains aren't the thing that makes you fuckable is it, your physical features are. I know that's blunt, but it's true.

13. Would you ever take back someone who cheated?
Absolutely not. Don't even get me started, cheating is against my moral code. I haven't got the time or day for anyone who thinks that's acceptable behaviour.

14. How do you feel about sharing your password with your partner?
Really not at all bothered. I don't understand the big deal about it. Either share it or don't but if you're gonna get wound up cos your partner won't give you their password maybe you should evaluate your relationship and question why you don't trust them.

15. When do you think a person is ready for marriage?
I've never felt ready for marriage so I honestly couldn't say.

16. What kind of parent do you think you will be?
I won't be, I couldn't think of anything worse than pushing a child out. I've never felt broody once so.

17. What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner?
Genuinely couldn't care less, it's not up to them really.

18. Who is that one person you can talk to about just anything?
My mum. Laura, Rosie, and Taylor too, I tell them a lot.

19. Do you usually stay friends with your exes?
Never ever. I'm not friends with any of them, I've no reason to be to be honest. Three of them actually came out of the woodwork a couple years back and tried to get back in to my life, I shut it down straight away. 

20. Have you ever lost someone close to you?
Yes. I don't wish to elaborate.

21. If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?
When I'm angry I like to be left alone until I've calmed down, I've got a viper tongue and I say things I don't mean. When I'm sad I like to have someone there, usually to hug me and say it'll all be okay. Although that seldom happens and I end up dealing with things alone.

22. What’s an ideal weekend for you?
Honestly anything will do me, I'm breezy. My plans depend on the weather, and I work on a Sunday so I only really get a Saturday to do anything. 

23. What do you think of best friends of the opposite sex?
You do you. I've had best friends that were male before and it just didn't work, he became obsessed with me and wanted to be with me then got angry when I got a boyfriend. I've got plenty of friends of the opposite sex, just wouldn't say any of them are 'best' friends.

24. Do you judge a book by its cover?
Who doesn't? I do however give everyone a chance to prove they're not what I've preconceived them to be if that's negative. Usually my gut instinct about people is right though, I can read body language exceptionally well.

25. Are you confrontational?
I'd love to be able to say no but sadly I am. I like to deal with conflict head on and get it sorted and finished with straight away. I hate it to drag on. I also find it hard not to tell people when I'm upset/mad with them so I tend to just say it.

26. When was the last time you broke someone’s heart?
Probably in the last week. I'm not proud of it, at all. 

27. Would you relocate for love?
Yeah I don't see why not. I still want to move away from the north east, but I think that's because I'm a 'free spirit' as such, I don't really feel grounded to one place I like to travel a lot. 

28. Did you ever write a journal?
Yeah I did when I was a teenager. 

29. What are you most thankful for?
Everything. Life in general, my friends, my family, my job, everything. Things get so tough sometimes, but not everything is peachy. I've been so lucky and been able to see some of my favourite bands even old ones I never thought I'd see like Fleetwood Mac, The Who, Blur, and The Cure. I've had some amazing experiences and met some of my best friends because of travelling to gigs, I've got friends all over the country. I'm so so lucky and grateful to have the life I do. 

30. Do you believe in second chances?
Usually no. In exceptional circumstances I will give them, but it's rare now. I spent a lot of my teenage years fighting for people, I don't do that a lot now.

31. What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?
People always think I'm so miserable and such a snob but if you get to know me you'll find I'm none of those things. I'm a closed off person and tend to keep myself to myself around people I'm not close to. I'm really positive and happy, you just have to give me time to 'thaw' and trust you before you reach that point with me. I've been through a lot, I'm quite optimistic considering. 

32. What is your idea of a perfect vacation?
I love cities and places where you can learn about their history and their culture. I'd also love to go to Africa on safari, that'd be truly amazing.

33. What did your past relationships teach you?
That it doesn't matter how hard you work on/fight for things, sometimes it's just not meant to be and that wasn't the path you were meant to be on. Also learned that sometimes you never really knew the person you've spent that time with, I've learned that about a couple. Their true colours came out in the end. 

34. What are your thoughts on online dating or tinder?
I don't really get it but that's because I was already in a serious relationship when tinder came out. I know a few people who've met their partners on there and are fine. It's not for me.

35. What’s on your bucket list this year?
Well, we're a bit far in to the year for me to do most of it anyway. I want to go to Latitude festival as it'll be my 30th time seeing The 1975 but it won't happen. Also Florida and I really want to visit New York but I'll probably have to save that for next year.

36. When have you felt your biggest adrenaline rush?
Probably when I was 16 and a group of us all went to cherry knowle, an abandoned asylum in Sunderland, and went inside it on halloween. Probably the scariest experience of my entire life. We got caught off security as well coming out, and had to hide in the long grassy fields nearby so them and the police wouldn't find us as we technically trespassed. I miss those days sometimes.

37. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done and would you do it again?
Does camping on the street for 28 hours for a band in a rough area of London count as crazy? If so, yeah I'd probably do it again. 

38. If a genie granted you 3 wishes right now, what would you wish for?
Probably superficial things. Lots of money, a pretty face, and for all the areas of my body that I dislike to change and be nice. Might change one or two of those wishes actually, maybe I'd wish to meet my favourite band again, or even wish for world peace.

39. What’s your biggest regret in life?
I try not to regret things, I feel it'll hinder my personal growth. Everything happens for a reason, granted sometimes we aren't sure what that reason is there definitely is one.

40. What do you think about when you’re by yourself?
Everything! Usually it's the obstacles in my life and how I can overcome them or I think about people. Some probably wouldn't know I think about them. This then ends up becoming deep and I start pondering the meaning of life and if I'll die alone etc etc. it gets extreme haha!

Do you feel like you've gotten into a submarine and delved right in to the deepest and darkest parts of my life? A lot of this is those personality traits I mentioned in my previous post. I'm done with these sorts of posts for a little while now. I've enjoyed writing my deepest thoughts out though, it's been very therapeutic. 

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